How defining your values could help your transition to parental leave

Key takeaways

• Defining your values can help set your direction at what can be a disorienting time. 
• Take time to map out your non-negotiables, and set some boundaries around that. 
• Have conversations with the connections in your life about your values, and what you need to achieve value alignment.

Many of us hear the term ‘values’ being used a lot. Terms like values-driven organisation, values-led employee, values alignment … even if we don’t use them ourselves, they’re all lines we’ve heard before.  

But what does it actually mean? 

Well, the truth is, very little unless you put in the work. Unless you take the time to truly define your values and what they mean to you, they’re lacking the depth to really give you what you need.  

Why are values important?  

Justine Alter, Director, Transitioning Well says, “When you’re going through a transition, such as the parental leave transition, often you’re feeling very shaky and disoriented.  

“You’re coming to terms with letting go of what you know, and embracing a new normal,” she says.  

“Values give us something to hold onto when we’re going through a disorienting time.” 

Justine draws on a nautical theme, comparing transition to that feeling of seasickness in a rocky storm, the feeling of unbalance as the waves crash and the boat moves beneath you. Values, she says, are our lighthouse at this time.  

“It’s very deliberate that we called our values exercise, the lighthouse exercise,” she says.  

“The lighthouse gives you something to focus on, on the horizon, to steady that wobbly ship. To guide you.” 

So, where do you start? 

First, set aside 15 minutes and start by downloading and completing our Building your lighthouse exercise here (trust us, it’ll help). You will find instructions that will step you through the values exercise.  

“The reason I love it, is it has all these words at the back,” Justine says. “It’s very easy as a process of elimination to say, ‘What doesn’t matter to me?’.” 

That’s your first step, crossing out everything that’s not important to you.  

Then, it gets harder as you start to say, ‘What is important?’.  

“It’s really deliberate to bring it down to five values,” Justine says.  

“This,” she says, “will help you with your non-negotiables".  

Defining your non-negotiables 

Once you have defined your values, Justine says, you’ll then need to think about what that means within the context of your work and family life. Think, ‘How is it that I can really start to think about my life and work in the context of my values and start to live like that?’ 

So, Justine says as an example, if family is your absolute core value, yet you’re working 80 hours a week and never home, no wonder you’re not happy! So, it’s time to think, ‘How do I get that back? What are my non-negotiables?’. Maybe it’s leaving early every Tuesday for family dinner to start with. Or maybe it’s something more dramatic, like finding a new role.  

Don’t worry, it’s not meant to be easy! And you may find you come against more questions than answers.  

“Values opens the conversation,” Justine says.  

“It’s not necessarily, ‘I’ve got all the answers’, it’s the start of a conversation. If you’ve never thought about values before in your life now (i.e. becoming a parent) is a good time to start thinking about them. And they’re not set in stone. Nobody needs to have values that don’t change. Because they do! As the seasons of life change, so too do our values.” 

4 things to think about once you define your values 

1. Talking with your partner (if you have one)  
   “It’s a good opportunity to look at your values with your partner and say, ‘Are our values the same here? What do we want out of this parental leave period, and what does this mean in terms of us being working parents? What does this mean for both of us?’”  
    
   If you’re not on the same page, now is a good time to ask, ‘what do we need to do to get on the same page?’.  

2. Ask yourself, do your values match what you’re doing?  
   By way of example, Justine says, “If giving back was one of your values, but you’re working at a casino, you might want to question that.” Think about whether or not you’re spending your time doing something that will bring you fulfilment.  
    
   Once you know your values well, you’ll begin to recognise how you feel when something you’re doing doesn’t sit well alongside them.  

3. Talking with your manager (if you have one) 
   “What your values might be as a single, working person suddenly becomes very different when you have a child or family,” Justine says.  
    
   “For most people in the context of being a working parent, you find that family starts to come up as a core value, so it’s about, ‘Am I in a workplace that supports that?’.” Again, it’s about addressing those non-negotiables. Think about work hours, flexibility and any other supports you might need to address any values conflict. 

4. Revisiting your values 
   Having another baby? Starting a new job? Caring for parents? Starting a business? If you’re about to go through any transition, it can be a good time to revisit your values. “They’re great to give you some grounding,” Justine says.  

Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers, all the time, but values can help.  

So, how do the experts do it?  

Like many people working in small business, Justine acknowledges the challenges.  

“I sometimes think I’m the cobbler with no shoes,” she says. “Small business is hard – the hours are long and the mental drain is very real.”  

“We (Justine and co-founder Dr Sarah Cotton) started Transitioning Well because we wanted values alignment between life/work integration and we wanted to build a business which allowed our people to have the same. 

“We live by the fact that we are mums first, and we try to prioritise this. It doesn’t mean we can always be at every school event – that would be impossible – but we do take our non-negotiables pretty seriously. I will cancel something if I need to be at something at school if it fits within my non-negotiable measure!  

“I weigh up the importance, in terms of my values and I make things happen when I need to so that I can sleep at night knowing I was present and not missing out on things that I will later regret.” 

  Download the Building your lighthouse exercise now

Additional support 

If going through this exercise has caused you distress, or you need additional support through the perinatal period, consider: 

• Visiting your GP, who can refer you to the appropriate specialist. 

• Consulting the eCope Directory, a list of health professionals who specialise in perinatal mental health. 

• Reaching out to Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australian (PANDA) 1300 726 306 (9am-7.30pm Monday to Saturday). 

• Contacting Lifeline, 13 11 14 (24-hour support).