The difference between parent stress and not being OK

Key takeaways

• Be mindful of when feelings of stress don't go away. 
• Familiarise yourself with the signs of parental burnout. 
• Consider what tactics you can employ to support your mental health and wellbeing at this time. 

It’s normal to feel stress as a parent. There’s a lot to think about, especially in those early stages. Whether you’re the birth parent or the dad, the employee or the employer, the stressors for working parents are often not that dissimilar.  

The distinction between what’s ‘normal’ and what may be considered something more to be concerned about can be blurry. Read more about the difference between parent stress, parental burnout and the signs to look out for…  

What is ‘parent stress’?   

Stress is commonly experienced when expecting a baby or while becoming a new parent (or a parent to subsequent children). There are many internal pressures – such as trying to be the perfect parent, as well as external pressures – including societal, relationship and family expectations. Work-family conflict can add further stress to a family unit. 

Feelings of stress are often intermittent. For example, if you’re experiencing a feeling of overwhelm from sleep deprivation while you go through this time of adjustment, your feelings may start to ease once you have a good night of sleep. What you need to be mindful of is when those feelings don’t go away.  

While some stress is normal, long-term exposure to stress can lead to parental burnout. 

What is parental burnout?  

Parental burnout is a syndrome resulting from chronic stress that has not been successfully managed. 

The signs of parental burnout include: 

1. Feeling exhausted in relation to your parenting role (completely drained and depleted). 

2. Feeling ineffective as a parent (self-doubt, feelings of incompetence). 

3. Detachment from your children or family (cynicism, irritability, bitterness). 

4. Feeling fed up as a parent. 

To avoid parental burnout, it is important that we are regularly caring for our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. You can read more about parental burnout here.  

Tactics to support mental health and wellbeing  

Self-care 

One of the best ways to avoid burnout is to look after yourself. As a parent of a tiny human, this is easier said than done. If you have a partner, consider working together through your support plan to help understand who can help you with care and create space to schedule ‘me time.’  

Setting boundaries  

Unless you’re superhuman, there is going to be a point where you will have to work out your non-negotiables when it comes to work and family life. Setting boundaries, getting clear on your personal values, and being intentional and proactive with plans, goals, and demands is one way of doing this.  

At any stage of life, setting healthy boundaries is very important, but doing so can be challenging. For most of us, it doesn’t come naturally, and often we can believe that setting boundaries are selfish. However, this is not true, and setting healthy boundaries can help you to: 

• Build a strong sense of self. 

• Improve your relationships. 

• Conserve energy and protect your wellbeing. 

As we become parents, the importance of setting healthy boundaries often increases as our demands grow. You might like to think about what you’re willing to let go of (e.g. bingeing the latest Netflix drama versus getting more sleep). Or what you want to stop doing to achieve this (e.g. getting takeaway one or two nights a week to take the stress out of cooking every night).  

Understanding your values  

Values can help us ‘get out of auto-pilot’ so we start to make intentional decisions toward the life we want. As we navigate through life, getting clear on our deeply held personal beliefs (values) is a skillful way to prioritise our precious time and energy. 

Another way to think about this is to ask ourselves, ‘Thinking about my team/ family in a year, when I look back at what we’ve all been through, what do I want their experience to have been? What are the things I most want them to remember about how we were as a team/family during this time?’ 

It’s also important to recognise that values can change throughout life. What was important to us five years ago may be different now. 

Achieving work-life balance  

At some stage in your parenting journey, the scales are going to tip more toward work. This can lead to stress as you try to juggle feeling inadequate as a parent and spending more time with your child. In the midst of living a full life, it can take time to see where you can create and achieve a better balance. One way of taking stock is by having visibility over your life-work demands and commitments. Try the What’s On Your Plate? exercise here.  

For more information about other work-related factors that may be contributing to your current mental health and wellbeing, complete a self-screening assessment for parents here.  

When to get help  

If you’re struggling to cope with the demands of being a working parent, it may be time to talk with a professional. In Australia, there are resources available to support parents experiencing burnout, anxiety, or depression, including: 

• COPE database of perinatal mental health professionals – find an accredited mental health professional with expertise in assisting women and men before, during and after pregnancy and birth. 

• Australian Psychological Society (APS) 1800 333 497 – The APS can assist you to find a psychologist who can provide psychological services and pregnancy support counselling for women, men and families. You can identify psychologists with expertise via the APS online Find a Psychologist Service, or by calling the above free call number. 

• Head to Health – Provides a website gateway access to online programs and trusted information on depression, stress and anxiety from Australia’s leading mental health organisations. 

• MensLine Australia 1300 789 978 – Professional telephone and online support, information and referral service for men to assist with relationship problems. 

• Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 – Provides relationship support services through counselling and family dispute resolution for couples experiencing relationship problems.