How to be a supportive partner when you’re back at work and your partner’s home with baby
Key takeaways
- It's important to make time for each other now that baby is here.
- Both you and your partner need to make time for self-care.
- Don't forget to do complete a support plan, so you can get the support you need at this time.
So, you’ve returned to work after baby. Some days it may feel like nothing changed. Same body. Same commute (or not), morning coffee, chats with colleagues. In fact, you may be enjoying these moments of adulthood amid the sleepless nights, the constant feeding and changing of nappies.
While it’s good to have some grown-up time, you may still be feeling the pull from home. It could be from your child, or it could be from your partner, who is living in a completely different world to the one of mere months ago.
In a recent Transitioning Well survey, many new dads indicated that one of their main challenges was juggling work while supporting their partner and their mental health.
Eighty-seven per cent of dads and partners surveyed said they found it hard to juggle work and family demands in the early parenthood phase. While sleep deprivation features heavily as a workplace challenge in our survey, so too does the guilt of returning to work to support the family, yet knowing a partner needs help at home.
The importance of self-care
If you associate #SelfCare with facials and yoga retreats, you’re not alone. Instagram has a lot to answer for. But self-care isn’t something for the well-heeled to indulge in, it’s crucial for your mental health and wellbeing. Parenting is a long game, and we need to be mentally as well as physically fit to sustain ourselves.
Self-care is different for everyone. If you live by the water, ocean swimming might fill your cup, or it could be tinkering in the garage, or having a coffee with mates to decompress after a long week. Interests that allow you to switch off outside your family help you live a full, happy, healthy life. There will be times you feel guilty, you won’t be able to fit it in, or you’ll have to make sacrifices if your partner needs a break (remember, they need time for self-care too), but try to prioritise self-care for both of you and you’ll be a better parent for it.
Making time for each other
After a long day at work, all you might want to do is relax on the couch. Yet your partner, who has looked after the baby all day and is now possibly covered in baby vomit, needs you to take over, like now.
In times of high stress – and having a baby can be one of the most stressful albeit wonderful experiences of your life – it can be hard to understand each other’s point of view. You might assume your partner has had all day to have a shower or rest. And your partner may think you’ve got it easy, being able to leave everything behind and head off to work untethered to a militant infant. Resentment can quickly creep in and begin to undermine a previously healthy relationship.
The solution? Create space in your week to make time for each other. It probably won’t look like a fancy date night dinner any time soon, but that doesn’t mean you can’t order your partner’s favourite takeaway. And perhaps set it out before they’ve even had to think, ‘what’s for dinner tonight?’. While gestures are always appreciated, don’t underestimate the act of simply listening to your partner and anticipating their needs ahead of time – it might even go a lot further than a chicken korma.
Support plans
At this stage of parenthood, when you’re back at work and your partner is at home, often you will be playing the role of support person, supporting your partner through what can be a very challenging time. But, you don’t need to be a hero and go it alone.
Revisit your support plan to determine what kind of support you and your partner need in this moment. Can a family member drop off meals? Can they take the baby for a walk so your partner can have some time alone? Can a friend drop over for coffee to give your partner some adult conversation? We can be reluctant to reach out and admit we need help, but so often family and friends are more than willing to help (in fact, they’re probably desperate for an excuse to spend time with the new baby).
There will be times you’ll need to reach out to a healthcare professional or trusted support service such as a childhood nurse or counsellor, especially if you don’t have relatives close by or a big support network. Don’t let pride get in the way of accessing help. These services are available for a reason, parenting is hard! Many parents who muddle through to breaking point, wish they had reached out for support earlier.
Now is also a good time to think about the flexibility you might need at work in order to best support your partner.
Helpful resources for you and your partner
If you or your partner is in need of support there are many free services you can access to get the help you need. Don’t wait until things reach crisis point.
Your GP – if you don’t have a good GP, Beyond Blue’s Find a mental health professional page can be a good place to start.
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HealthDirect – this service is managed by registered nurses who will let you know if you need to see a GP or go to the hospital.
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Centre of Perinatal Excellence – COPE.
