The isolation of the new dad and how to beat it

Key takeaways

• Making connections with other new dads can help you manage this transition. 
• Get to know the other dads in your workplace. They can be very helpful in helping you manage life as a working dad. 
• Make time to spend with your partner, if you have one. 
• Remember, socialising is looking after yourself and your wellbeing. It's important to make time for it in a way that suits you. 

Loneliness is the silent plight of many new dads. A survey from the Movember Foundation revealed that one in five men lost close friends within a year of becoming a father. The survey of 4000 men also found that a quarter of new dads said they felt isolated, while three quarters admitted their stress levels spiked in the first year of fatherhood. 

So why do the social lives of men suddenly flounder after having kids? The most obvious reason is that new dads quickly become very time-poor. The stats show that modern fathers are now more actively involved in their children’s lives than ever before, spending three times as much time with their kids as the previous generation of dads. Yet in spite of this change, men continue to work the same amount of hours after becoming fathers. Faced with this time-management challenge, something has to give and dads’ social lives are often the casualties. 

Against this situational backdrop, modern trends towards freelancing, outsourcing and working from home can also put men at a greater risk of isolation. Technology can also encourage more distant forms of interaction, too. WhatsApping your mate a cake emoji on his birthday is hardly the same as catching up for a celebratory beer. 

Why it matters 

Whether or not you prefer your own company, loneliness has been linked to a host of negative effects. In a 2015 study, researchers at Brigham Young University found that loneliness and social isolation were as deadly as smoking and obesity. Other research also connects loneliness to a host of ailments including depression, cognitive decline, heart disease and a weaker immune system. 

None of this makes it any easier to catch up with your mates when you’re trying to cope with the round-the-clock demands of a new baby alongside a pressing batch of work deadlines. But here are some practical tips that can help you to fend off the isolation of the new dad. 

Reach out to other new dads 

If you’re carrying your baby in a park and see another dads in an identical position, then your child gives you an instant ice-breaker. Significantly, you’ve got an immediate (and very real) shared experience to bond over. Chances are this poor guy is also having a crash course on the gruelling nature of settling a newborn or the fact that you can never have too many baby wipes. Don’t be afraid to start chatting – new dads will invariably welcome a bit of solidarity. 

If reaching out to befriend a stranger is too much of stretch, then consider finding yourself a local dad’s group. This is a place where you can trade war stories with men who’ll know exactly what you’re going through because they’re knee-deep in nappies and 4am wake-ups, too. Check out Dads Group Inc to find your nearest one. 

Reconnect with your partner 

You know the old saying ‘three’s a crowd’?  Having a baby fundamentally changes the dynamics of your relationship. You may feel more distant from your partner as they become preoccupied with navigating their role as a parent in between forlornly trying to catch up on lost sleep. If, like many new dads, you’re also struggling to bond with your baby then it’s all too easy to start to withdraw from the family unit. 

To beat this drift, you need to actively work to protect your relationship from the demands of parenthood.  The age-old ‘plan a date night’ advice can actually work if you can nab a babysitter – not least to remind you of what life was like in your child-free life. But more important is to simply prioritise some time together on a regular basis. Try and carve out 15 minutes each day to talk about how you’re both doing and to discuss the day’s highlights and calamities. Making that time to chat can prove a low maintenance way to keep that connection alive. 

Make a new social playbook 

Golfing days, surfing trips, big nights on the town… how you used to spend time with your mates in your child-free days probably won’t be as easy anymore. That’s not to say these things are totally off the table. But they’ll just require an awful lot more planning in advance.  

If you do want to line something up, one strategy is to try negotiating with your partner on a rotation. Want to spend an afternoon at the football? Propose that, in return, you’ll look after the baby later in the week while your partner catches up with their friends on their own.  This can prove a win-win for both of you. 

In the meantime, try to find small-scale ways to touch base with your mates on a more regular basis, too. Whether it’s a weekly coffee before work or just calling for an odd chat on your commute home, staying in touch with your inner circle does require some regular maintenance. The good news: it’s rarely too late to get things back on track.   

Don’t forget your own wellbeing 

There’s no glossing over the fact that the life of a new parent is tough. When you’re struggling to keep your head above water with the non-stop demands of everyday life, catching up with a mate can feel like a self-indulgence that’s too hard to justify.  

But don’t underestimate its importance. Having evolved as social animals our brains are hard-wired for human interaction. Catching up with a mate is a recognised form of stress-relief and a proven way to alleviate symptoms of depression. Socialising, in other words, is a key way to look after yourself. What’s more, taking the opportunity to decompress or offload can then help you to show up as a better partner and father.  

If you’re still not convinced then don’t forget about your mates’ welfare either. Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board for a problem, they might also need somebody to talk to.