4 signs of parental burnout to look out for and how you can manage them
We’ve all heard of burnout before. For many of us, it’s the word we associate with feeling tired and run down. It’s a term thrown about liberally at the end of each year as we attempt to regroup and unwind before another year begins.
However, it’s important to know that burnout is actually more serious than this. Burnout is a syndrome and, when experienced, requires action as it can significantly impact your wellbeing, parenting capacity and the wellbeing of your family.
The term burnout was introduced in the 1970s as a way to describe exhaustion as a result of our professional workplaces, however, since then, parental burnout has been identified as a unique type of burnout that is distinct from that of job burnout. In this way, burnout is context specific.
As a type of burnout, parental burnout can be experienced by working parents and stay-at-home parents alike – in fact, it is thought to occur in up to 1 in 10 parents, and affects mums and dads in equal proportions. It occurs when there is an imbalance in the demands of parenting and the resources you need to meet those demands (think social support, finance, personal outlook (e.g. optimism)).
Parental burnout can occur at any time during the parenting journey and is uniquely different to other mental health issues, such as depression. For example, the low mood due to parental burnout tends to be related to parenting specifically, and not other aspects of life, such as work.
So, what can it look like?
ExampleKatie loves being a mum. She’s very defined about the mum she wants to be. She wants her children to only eat nutritious, balanced, sugar-free foods (which she hopes to prepare herself), have little to no screen time, and be engaged in mentally stimulating and physical activities at home with their parents, and through extra-curricular activities. Katie currently works two days a week as a bookkeeper for an accounting firm. When she’s not working, she’s at home with a 10-month-old and a three-year-old. Katie’s partner, Matt, works full time, and is in the city four days a week, and at home one day a week. From a work point of view, Katie is kicking goals. She’s motivated, a high performer and enjoys interacting with her clients, who all hold her in high regard. Katie returned to work six months after having her last child. She chose to do two days a week so she could spend more time with the kids. At first, when Matt is home, Katie feels like she can achieve her parenting goals. Matt can stay with the baby, while Katie takes the older child swimming, and they have time for nutritious family meals together. She even makes time for 15 minutes of focused play for each child, which she believes will strengthen their connection. During the week, however, Katie starts to find it exhausting trying to do everything. She often finds herself putting the three-year-old in front of the TV so she can get a break, and finds it easier to just grab a fruit pouch from the cupboard when both kids are demanding her attention. While we know that this is absolutely fine – we all have times where we don’t meet the high expectations we set ourselves – Katie feels like she’s failing … As the weeks go by, Katie’s feeling of inadequacy begins to increase. She no longer feels like she can achieve her parenting goals, whether Matt is at home or not. She tells herself that she’s a bad mother. She watches other parents, and thinks ‘they have it all together’. One day, when she realises she has forgotten to stock the pram with any nappy wipes, she breaks down crying. She’s fed up with the perceived demands upon her. She asks herself, how is it she can manage multiple clients and deadlines at work, but can’t do something as basic as stock the pram? Again, we know this is OK, but for Katie it’s another sign of her not measuring up to the impossible expectations she expects herself to maintain. Increasingly, Katie begins to withdraw from the kids, she doesn't feel the same desire to comfort them when they cry as she used to. When Matt is home, she pulls away from the children entirely, leaving Matt to care for them. She says to herself, ‘He’s the better parent anyway.’ She no longer feels the joy and fulfillment she used to feel when spending time with her children. She stops taking her eldest child swimming. She doesn’t see the point in trying to do extra-curricular activities anymore. She watches the other mothers taking their kids in the pool, teaching them water safety, and thinks that she can never be as good as them. Katie starts to spend more time on the couch, feeling absolutely exhausted all the time. In her mind she tells herself she should be playing with her kids, or preparing them a meal, but she’s fed up with trying. She thinks she’s a terrible cook. Last time she made something for her three-year-old he threw it at her. She just doesn’t see the point in trying anymore. ‘Matt can do it,’ she says to herself. Increasingly she starts to think, ‘I could just get in the car and drive, and never come back, it might be better for everyone.’ |
The four defining dimensions of parental burnout
There are four elements that – when put together – equate to parental burnout. If you are experiencing any of these, it’s a good idea to seek support, and before you hit crisis point.
1. Overwhelming exhaustion related to your parental role
This differs from tiredness, it’s a feeling of complete and intense physical and mental exhaustion in relation to parenting, feeling depleted, drained and tired all the time.
In our example above, Katie was feeling exhausted to the point where she couldn’t do what she wanted to do in her day.
2. Feeling ineffective as a parent
This is where feelings of self-doubt and feelings of incompetence start to creep in, and confidence diminishes. As a parent, you may think: ‘I’m terrible at getting my baby to sleep through the night,’ or ‘I must be a terrible parent because I don’t play with my kids in the same way as other dads.’ If left unchecked, these thoughts can diminish the joy of being a parent.
In our example above, Katie felt like an incompetent parent because her three-year-old threw their food at her – something most kids do at some point. For Katie, this made her feel like a failure. She also started comparing herself to other parents she saw – even though she may not have known what was going on for them behind closed doors. These thoughts led Katie down a path of continual self-criticism, and significantly decreased her confidence.
3. Emotional detachment from your children
This is where you might be experiencing an emotional detachment from your children or feeling alone in the world. You may be experiencing a really challenging period (e.g. teething, separation anxiety), which has led you to become emotionally detached, irritable, or cynical.
In our example above, Katie started to fully detach from her children, leaving her partner to look after them and doing the bare minimum when he wasn’t home, yet she was still able to fully function in her non-parenting roles.
4. Feelings of being fed up as a parent
This is where you feel that you’ve had enough. The day-to-day act of being parent feels like an enormous burden. You may feel like you just want check out.
In our example above, Katie reaches the point of thinking about just getting in the car and leaving. She increasingly defers all parenting to Matt, and starts to remove herself from family life.
How do I know if I’m experiencing parenting burnout?
The dimensions above may be hard to self-identify. However, there are other signs you can be on the lookout for:
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Notice any changes in self/behaviours – this is usually a good sign that something is up, especially if you see a marked change in energy levels. Naturally, you’re going to feel tired after a bad night’s sleep, but if you are feeling low energy consistently, regardless of how you slept, it might be a sign that you’re experiencing heightened exhaustion.
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Notice when you shrug off how you feel, and say sentences such as ‘I'll be fine’, ‘I'll have to make it work’, or ‘Surely other parents aren't struggling – it is just me’. We are good at convincing ourselves that we are OK, it is natural for us to do this, however saying these sentences to ourselves may be a sign that something else is going on for us.
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Notice when you have done activities that normally make you feel good, but you find it difficult to feel the positive emotions you used to feel with your kids.
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Notice if you begin to withdraw from family, friends or your children. Sometimes, as a coping mechanism, our bodies and mind give up before we consciously realise, so we withdraw from situations that are creating overwhelm.
Next, you might want to read about the difference between parent stress and not being OK.
