What to do if your partner is struggling

The birth of a baby is meant to be a cause for celebration. But many parents struggle to cope with this huge life transition. Postnatal depression or anxiety can affect anyone, including women and their non-birthing partners. 

"Thank goodness I had a doctor who recognised and believed that non-birth parents can, in fact, have postpartum depression."

Watching your partner struggle can be very difficult. You may be overwhelmed with concern for them or feel a sense of frustration or disappointment, even helplessness. But the key thing to remember is that perinatal anxiety and depression are temporary and treatable conditions. That’s why if your partner is having a tough time, it’s worth taking early action. Without the right support, there’s a risk that things can get worse and it might take your partner longer to bounce back.  

"My biggest regret is that we didn’t recognise what my partner was going through earlier. My eyes weren’t open enough."

Symptoms 

The reality of life for any new parent can be exhausting, chaotic and stressful. As a result, there’s often an overlap between the symptoms of depression and the daily grind of early parenthood, so it’s easy to miss the warning signs. But if your partner is suffering from any of the following symptoms for two weeks or more then it might be time to seek professional help.  

In mums it can present as:  

• Finding it difficult to get through the day. 
• Feeling isolated or disconnected from others. 
• Feeling numb, disinterested or hopeless. 
• Feeling angry, resentful. 
• Over or under-productivity.  
• Changed or ‘flat’ personality. 
• Loss of motivation. 
• Difficulty making decisions. 
• Inability to concentrate (this can also result from lack of sleep). 
• Changes in appetite. 
• Having thoughts of harming yourself. 

In dads it can present as: 

• Feeling anxious, overwhelmed or unable to cope. 
• ‘Brain fog’. 
• An increased tendency to take risks. 
• Feeling short-tempered, resentful, frustrated or angry. 
• A loss of confidence and low self-esteem. 
• Increased hours of work as a part of the withdrawal from family. 
• Tiredness, headaches and pain. 
• Changes in appetite. 
• Changes to sleep patterns, especially a lack of sleep. 
• Loss of interest in things once enjoyed. 
• Feelings of isolation and disconnection from partner, friends or family. 
• Increased use of drugs or alcohol. 

"My wife started becoming paranoid about hygiene and the baby. She spent hours cleaning and sterilising things each day."

How to help 

Start a conversation  

Pick a time when you can both talk and let your partner know that you are worried about them and want to support them. Emphasise that you can understand that being a parent can be a really tough gig and that it’s natural to feel overwhelmed at times.  

If your partner is unaware of the changes in themselves or not receptive to getting help, it might help to point them in the direction of some information about the perinatal period that they can digest in their own time, such as this platform, or Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE). See our Support section for a full list of resources.   

Explain that getting some help won’t just be useful for them, but also helps your baby to thrive. The right support will empower them with the tools they need to embrace early parenthood.  

Make it a joint effort 

Your next move is to encourage your partner to speak with their health professional (like their family health nurse) or make an appointment with their GP. For a comprehensive directory of health practitioners trained in supporting new and expectant parents, visit the eCOPE directory). Again, present this step as being not just for their benefit but a way to support your family as a whole.  

Suggest this next step as being a collective effort – two parents working together for the sake of your family. To back this up, you might accompany your partner to their appointment or book in a time for them with their GP. By going along with them, you can also share additional info or observations with the doctor to talk through together. The more intel, the easier it is for the medical practitioner to make an accurate diagnosis or recommend next steps that will make a real difference. 

Talk to your employer about getting the support you need 

At this time your partner will need as much support from you as they can get. It’s a good idea to talk with your employer about what’s happening in your life, and discuss how you might work in a way that helps you support your partner.  

You might want to think about flexibility, carer’s leave, accessing additional parental leave or drawing on some of your annual leave.  

If you think your employer could benefit from further information on supporting parents in the perinatal period, ask them to sign up to The Parent Well for additional resources.  

Get professional support 

Depression and anxiety may be relatively common for new parents, but early treatment can help reduce the severity of symptoms and support them to recover quicker. There are multiple options to explore. 

• Your GP. 

• Your child and family health nurse. 

• Use the e-COPE directory to find local mental health services near you. 

• PANDA’s National Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Helpline / call 1300 726 306. 

• Your local community health centre. 

"She became convinced that was a bad mother and started saying our son would be better off without her."

Your action plan 

Aside from seeking professional support, there are small things that you can do on an ongoing basis to help your partner at this difficult time.  

• Listen and talk to your partner. Emotional support is vital. Reassure your partner that things will get better and that you’ll be there for them as they recover. 

• Help out as much as possible. Stepping up your efforts in terms of looking after the baby and tackling the domestic chores will alleviate pressure from your partner and give them more chance to devote the necessary time to self-care. 

• Keep your partner company. Where possible, try to avoid leaving them alone for extended period. If you have to return to work, try and arrange for someone your partner is comfortable with to spend time with them or to check in on a regular basis.  

• Call in reinforcements. Don’t be too proud to accept help from your family and friends. Let your inner circle know that your family needs extra support right now and make specific suggestions about what they can do to help. Use this resource to build your support crew. 

• Get informed. Do your homework – the more you learn about postnatal depression and anxiety, the more you can support your partner’s recovery.  
  Expect the odd setback. There’s no silver bullet for tackling a mental health condition. The recovery may include trialling different medications or treatments to see what works best. Be persistent and stay patient. 

• Look after yourself. Supporting a partner with depression can strain your relationship and also impact your own mental health. Don’t neglect your own self-care and prioritise your own sleep, nutrition and exercise, too. Offloading your feelings and fears can also help, so don’t hesitate to talk things out with friends, family or a health professional. Try this self-screening tool to get a better idea of whether you need help. 

"It took me some time to realise that it wasn’t my wife’s fault. She just wasn’t well."